So where do we start? How do we overcome discomfort? I believe that we must look at the foundational reason for why we are alive and breathing on this earth. We are God's creation, breathing in an untangle object and turning it into a noxious stimuli that scientifically reverts back to oxygen--a necessary component to life. Why are we here on this earth? My understanding is best exemplified through Christ, that we are here to increase his kingdom and to be relational. Inevitably, this means that I must be relational. And in order to be relational, I must be intentional. So this brings me back to the question... where do I start?
We are human beings, created with a purpose to fulfill connection. It is why we are here--connection. Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our unpretentious lives. Our neurological wiring irrevocably is the culprit of initiating this desire, this unrelenting voracity to embrace connection. But in order to fully and mentally unravel connection, one must identify with shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is what is responsible for depositing lies that eat and claw away at one's confidence. Shame is what infiltrates our cognitive capabilities and deposits harmful thoughts including but not limited to: is there something about me? am i not worthy of connection? No one longs to discuss shame, or the underlying question(s) am I not ___fill in the blank_____ enough? But what lies beneath shame and fear of the unknown? Vulnerability.
Excruciating vulnerability is fundamental for connection. One must allow themselves to be transparent and to be seen in order to embrace vulnerability. Dr. Brown spent many years researching shame and broadening the horizon beneath the concept of worthiness. Her research indicates that those who have a strong sense of worthiness are those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and BELIEVE that they are worthy of love and belonging. It all boils down to one point: The thing that keeps us out of connection is the fear that we are unworthy of connection. The people who feel a deep sense of connection have four things in common:
- Courage to be imperfect
- Compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others
- Connection as a result of authenticity - willing to let go of who they should be in order to be who they are
- Fully embraced vulnerability
They believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. Beauty is not comfortable, neither excruciating. It is a necessary component that allows an individual to have the willingness to say I love you first, to take action with no guarantee, the willingness to wait for the doctors call with test results, the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. And yet... you might find yourself asking is this fundamental or betrayal? The key is to understand that it is a choice that belongs to you--and you only. You are the maker of your own decisions and have the ability to embrace the emotions that you desire.
Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear as well as our struggle for worthiness... BUT.. it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. Vulnerability is neither good nor bad. It is what it is.
So what type of choices are we making? What are we doing with vulnerability? Why are we constantly struggling with it? What makes you vulnerable?
- asking for help?
- getting laid off work?
- initiating sex with your husband/wife?
- waiting for the doctor to call back?
- waiting to hear back from job applications?
- letting your child drive off to college and out of your care?
The options are endless. And what do we tend to do? We numb vulnerability. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history. And unfortunately, we cannot selectively numb emotion. Vulnerability, fear and shame can be numbed, but not without the expense of numbing other affects that include joy, gratitude and happiness. If we numb one variable, we numb everything. This is a dangerous cycle, and we must ask ourselves why and how do we numb?
First and foremost, we make everything uncertain to be certain. This can be seen with religion,
vocation, parenting, etc. We embrace the concept that I am right, you are wrong, so shut up and stop talking. And this is not how we need to live our lives. Blame has become an easy way out to kill
conversation. We discharge pain and discomfort on others so that we do not have to feel it ourselves. For instance, take parenting as an example. We perfect children. We hardwire them for perfection as soon as the disengage from the womb and take in the first breath of life. Our job as parents is not to keep this child perfect, but rather it is to love and teach each child that they are imperfect and wired for struggle, but WORTHY of love and belonging. Many times we pretend that what we do does not have an effect on other people, but it does. Each and every action we take has rippling effects, and we never know who is watching or who will be influenced by our actions. So I leave you with this challenge today:
- Let yourself be seen, be vulnerable.
- Love with your whole heart, even when there is no guarantee.
- Practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror. Feeling vulnerable means that you are alive.
- Last and most important -- believe that you are enough.
As mentioned previously, my inspiration for the topic came from Brene Brown, and many of her thoughts are recorded in this entry. Please visit the link below if you are interested in listening to her speak. I encourage you to take the time and listen to her discuss the power of vulnerability.
