Happiness

I am bruised. Beaten. Broken. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But the pain, and the scars, remind me that I am not of this world. I am here to reflect the character of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Hope is what keeps me pushing forward, onward, one day at a time. By choosing to be intentional and relational, I can reach out to those who are in need. Growing up, my father always reminded me that I choose to make my own happiness. No one can take that away. I have the ability to decipher the outlook of my interactions and determine how I will respond. Fortunately, I was introduced to the word happiness at a young age.

Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.

Happiness is commonly defined by pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, or delight and implies an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Therefore, happiness can result from the possession or attainment of what one considers good. Unalloyed happiness or supreme delight can be seen in the bliss of a "perfect" companionship. Other types of happiness include felicity, a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind.

So why not be your own sunshine? Light up the lives of others. Find a reason to smile. Say no to the reasons and the people that stress you out. Physical manifestations should not be the soul purpose that happiness resides in your core. Happiness is from within, resonating from one's inherent ability to make a choice.

I have been reading a book titled, "One Thousand Gifts." The author, Ann Voskamp, dares each individual to live fully right where you are. She internalizes the message of lifestyle gratitude and professes that joy is attainable despite one's circumstances. Ann researched the word eucharisteo, a greek word that encompasses a threefold cord of grace (charis), thanksgiving (eucharisteo) and joy (char).

Ann ponders, "How in the world, for the sake of my joy, do I learn to use eucharisteo to overcome my one ugly and self-destructive habit of ingratitude (that habit that causes both my cosmic and daily fall) with the saving habit of gratitude--that would lead me back to deep God-communion." She further discusses that if we are to hunger and thirst for righteousness as stated in Matthew, then we have to drink. We have to actually DO something. She laid her books aside and began a list--a gift list. Not of gifts that she wanted, but of gifts that she already had. The first few read as follows:

1. Morning shadows across the old floors.
2. Jam piled high on the toast. 
3. Cry of blue jay from high in the spruce. 

Ann continues to challenge the reader to write down one thousand gifts that He bestows. She mentions that writing them does is a sort of unwrapping love, and eventually recognizes that the secret to living joy in every situation is the full life of eucharisteo. 

Philippians 4:11-12

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 

I know how to live on almost nothing or 

with everything. I have learned the secret of living

in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty,

with plenty or little."

And so, I have taken up on Ann's challenge. I have made my gift list a part of my worship service to the Lord, because, eventually that is what it turns into: praising God for his creation, for the simple aspects of life that catch my attention. And so it brings me back to happiness. I believe that being happy is being truly thankful. 

1. The smell of banana bread resonating from the oven. 
2. The first cry of a newborn baby.
3. Getting tucked into bed like a mummy from daddy as a little girl.
4. Laughter escaping from deep inside (especially from Nazifa, Jeremia, and Odakis).
5. Dancing shadows - sunlight through a piece of lace on a warm and windy summer day.
6. The click of a camera capturing a moment to remember forever. 
7. The tug of a fish on a line and the excitement that follows. 
8. Watching a child play with a puppy.
9. A voice that says, "thank you" from one of my patients
10. The echo of raindrops on the roof
11. Vibrance of fall as evidenced by the different shades of color of leaves
12. Viewing a city full of lights at night from an airplane. 
13. The mesmerizing flames of a fire
14. A fresh gust of air that catches my hair off my shoulders.
15. A night sky full of God's wonders
16. A child's toothless smile (Phoenix)
17. The smell associated with flipping the pages of a book
18. Waking up peacefully - no alarms and no responsibilities
19. Zebras in the wild.
20. Reminiscing with an old friend
21. My wonderful parents
22. Sitting in my mommy's lap (yes, even at the age of 25)
23. View of Anchorage from flattop
24. Forget-me-nots growing in the backyard
25. Answered prayer.
26. An old childhood tea set
27. Running across the finish line
28. Snuggling into bed covers after a long day
29. Small children singing loud and off tune in church.
30. Old couples walking with fingers interlocked. 
31. A handwritten letter
32. Relief and accomplishment of turning in a research paper
33. Baptism - knowing I am saved. 
34. The beauty of dialect and different languages. 
35. The northern lights
36. Sunset from Oia on Santorini
37. Speed and agility on a horse-back ride.
38. Brustle of a creek in the woods
39. Wiggling my bare toes in the sand
40. Waves crashing on the shore
41. Fresh snow covering the mountain tops
42. Winter warm sun
43. Snuggle fresh laundry. 
44. The power of imagination
45. A future that carries the unknown
46. Air conditioning after a long run
47. Nestle chocolate milk powder
48. The feel of pottery between my hands on a wheel
49. My 3rd grade class at church
50. The scent of Mr. Sketchers markers
51. Superhero Saturdays at the hospital (we wear superhero socks on Saturdays in the ER)
52. Skipping rocks across the waters surface
53. Footprints in the sand
54. Trains rolling on the tracks
55. Picking fresh berries
56. Finding figures and images in the clouds
57. A hot cup of tea warming my hands

The list continues on and on... but I challenge my readers to do as Ann suggests: to write a list of one thousand gifts. To acknowledge the blessings of life and to use thanksgiving in your worship to the Lord. 

Strength

Strength: the inherent capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

What makes an individual capable of claiming that he/she is strong? What sort of experiences lead to the entitlement of encompassing strength?

• Is is the single mother of five who has to work three jobs just to keep food on the table and a roof over her families head...
• Is it the seven year old who is the primary caregiver for her two younger siblings, living under grandma's roof because her parents are deceased...
• Is it the husband of a woman who is facing the end stage medical complications of terminal cancer...
• Is it the victim of a tsunami who no longer has a place to call home...
• Is it a young couple who is told they are not able to have children...
• Is it a heartbroken young adult who faces the challenges of loneliness...
• Is it the fear in a child hiding in the closet while daddy tries to distract the perpetrator, and the sound of a gunshot fires...  

The world is filled with treacherous, heartbreaking stories. Each person has a soft spot in their soul that is able to establish an association with certain experiences and a connection to various circumstances. I feel as if we are made, in the image of God, to be relational--and there is a meaning behind each and every chapter of our fleeting lives. 

For instance, I have spent years in the hospital as a patient. When I was a mere 13 years old, I remember lying in a hospital bed, the beeping of IV medication being pumped into my veins, attempting to fight the unknown infection that, according to medical professionals, was taking my life with every second. The plan of action was to use strong medications to demolish the infection, before the strong medications made an irreversible turn on my immune system and hindered the function of my organs. I remember every detail as the physician's lips vocalized, "you may only have a few weeks left on this earth." I remember holding my mother's hand as my heart picked up its pace, and the sinking feeling of realizing that I was not invincible. All I wanted was to return to junior high and go to the mall with all the other kids. I would even take twice as much homework everyday in order to return to my normal self. It's as if the world stopped, and each tick of the second hand was eating away at my bones--because I was going to die. There, I said it. Those three letters. DIE. And then... I had to keep fighting. It's not as if I could just let the disease take my life without a fair chance. But the ultimate decision wasn't up to me. God is the maker and designer of where my days will take route. And I am ever so thankful for the prayers that were lifted on my behalf, because after seven days spent in my own personal white room that I quickly referred to as my coffin, I was healed.  My body regained its strength, and my lab levels were clear. The physical manifestations of my illness ceased to exist. The physician, yet once again, rings clear in my memory as he stated, "Honey, the Lord must've had more plans for you, because we have no reason for you to stay in this hospital. You get to go home today." 

Of course, everything didn't go immediately back to normal. The physician made it clear that I would never be able to play soccer and be active again, that my body was not able to endure the stress that I used to exert on a daily basis. In fact, my mentality and problem solving capability, or lack thereof, made it impossible for me to master a puzzle consisting of 25 pieces. Frustration began to set in: how was I going to finish the seventh grade if I couldn't even do a child's puzzle. My eyesight went from 20/20 to hazy street signs and blurry television screens to needing glasses. Walking from my bedroom to the living room took my breath away. It seemed as if I would never regain what I once had, that my baseline was unattainable. But the prayers continued to lift up to the Lord, and I continued to fight on. My support system played an exponential role in achieving the lifestyle I once had. My parents are my heroes. Each day brought forth tiny steps forward, and sometimes, large steps backwards. But the goal was to keep fighting, to reach new limits, and to trust that the Lord had plans that were greater than I could ever imagine. 

And today, I realize that he has blessed me with my weaknesses. I cannot fathom the possibilities that he has placed before me as a direct result of my past. He gave me the desire to become a nurse, and care for people as I once was cared for as a patient. He made it possible for me to play college soccer, and now has enabled me to have the position of assistant soccer coach for the Lady Bison. I am unable to fathom the pages of the chapters of the rest of my life that are yet to be written and that through my weaknesses, I have become strong. He is the author and the perfecter of my faith, my life, and my dreams. 

So, going back to the initial word--strength. What does this word mean to me and how would I define it?

Strength means holding on to the unattainable, because God is able to move mountains. Strength is relying on support systems and having a foundational church family that is able to uphold an individual in times of need and vulnerability. Strength is letting go of the situation and trusting that He is in control. Strength is taking one's past, and using the moments of hardship to face another day. Strength is re-surfacing the challenges of the past in order to help others in the present who are in similar circumstances. Strength is taking one day at a time, or even one breath at a time and accepting the challenge. Strength is built on a mentality. Strength is overcoming what the world says is impossible. Strength is facing the reality that life on earth is not the real reason we have been created. Strength is accepting, when running is more appealing. Strength is not concrete, it is an aspect of life that is made through the pages and stories that develop into the photobook of one's life. 

Vulnerability

I was introduced to a speaker, Brene Brown - researcher and storyteller, who discusses the power of vulnerability. She describes stories as the "data of the soul." Below is a summary of her research incorporated with a few thoughts of my own.

To begin, one must fundamentally expand perception and lean into discomfort. Typically, there is a negative connotation following close behind the word discomfort, but I urge you to readjust your thought process. I want you to understand the depth of opportunity that discomfort holds within its grasp.

So where do we start? How do we overcome discomfort? I believe that we must look at the foundational reason for why we are alive and breathing on this earth. We are God's creation, breathing in an untangle object and turning it into a noxious stimuli that scientifically reverts back to oxygen--a necessary component to life. Why are we here on this earth? My understanding is best exemplified through Christ, that we are here to increase his kingdom and to be relational. Inevitably, this means that I must be relational. And in order to be relational, I must be intentional. So this brings me back to the question... where do I start?

We are human beings, created with a purpose to fulfill connection. It is why we are here--connection. Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our unpretentious lives. Our neurological wiring irrevocably is the culprit of initiating this desire, this unrelenting voracity to embrace connection. But in order to fully and mentally unravel connection, one must identify with shame. Shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame is what is responsible for depositing lies that eat and claw away at one's confidence. Shame is what infiltrates our cognitive capabilities and deposits harmful thoughts including but not limited to: is there something about me? am i not worthy of connection? No one longs to discuss shame, or the underlying question(s) am I not ___fill in the blank_____ enough? But what lies beneath shame and fear of the unknown? Vulnerability.

Excruciating vulnerability is fundamental for connection. One must allow themselves to be transparent and to be seen in order to embrace vulnerability. Dr. Brown spent many years researching shame and broadening the horizon beneath the concept of worthiness. Her research indicates that those who have a strong sense of worthiness are those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and BELIEVE that they are worthy of love and belonging. It all boils down to one point: The thing that keeps us out of connection is the fear that we are unworthy of connection. The people who feel a deep sense of connection have four things in common:

1. Courage to be imperfect
2. Compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others
3. Connection as a result of authenticity - willing to let go of who they should be in order to be who they are 
4. Fully embraced vulnerability

They believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. Beauty is not comfortable, neither excruciating. It is a necessary component that allows an individual to have the willingness to say I love you first, to take action with no guarantee, the willingness to wait for the doctors call with test results, the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. And yet... you might find yourself asking is this fundamental or betrayal? The key is to understand that it is a choice that belongs to you--and you only. You are the maker of your own decisions and have the ability to embrace the emotions that you desire.

Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear as well as our struggle for worthiness... BUT.. it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. Vulnerability is neither good nor bad. It is what it is.

So what type of choices are we making? What are we doing with vulnerability? Why are we constantly struggling with it? What makes you vulnerable?

• asking for help?
• getting laid off work?
• initiating sex with your husband/wife?
• waiting for the doctor to call back?
• waiting to hear back from job applications?
• letting your child drive off to college and out of your care?

The options are endless. And what do we tend to do? We numb vulnerability. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history. And unfortunately, we cannot selectively numb emotion. Vulnerability, fear and shame can be numbed, but not without the expense of numbing other affects that include joy, gratitude and happiness. If we numb one variable, we numb everything. This is a dangerous cycle, and we must ask ourselves why and how do we numb? 

First and foremost, we make everything uncertain to be certain. This can be seen with religion,

vocation, parenting, etc. We embrace the concept that I am right, you are wrong, so shut up and stop talking. And this is not how we need to live our lives. Blame has become an easy way out to kill

conversation. We discharge pain and discomfort on others so that we do not have to feel it ourselves. For instance, take parenting as an example. We perfect children. We hardwire them for perfection as soon as the disengage from the womb and take in the first breath of life. Our job as parents is not to keep this child perfect, but rather it is to love and teach each child that they are imperfect and wired for struggle, but WORTHY of love and belonging. Many times we pretend that what we do does not have an effect on other people, but it does. Each and every action we take has rippling effects, and we never know who is watching or who will be influenced by our actions. So I leave you with this challenge today: 

1. Let yourself be seen, be vulnerable. 
2. Love with your whole heart, even when there is no guarantee.
3. Practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror. Feeling vulnerable means that you are alive. 
4. Last and most important -- believe that you are enough.

As mentioned previously, my inspiration for the topic came from Brene Brown, and many of her thoughts are recorded in this entry. Please visit the link below if you are interested in listening to her speak. I encourage you to take the time and listen to her discuss the power of vulnerability.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Beauty

Elizabeth Kubler Ros once stated, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

So what exactly does beauty mean? The dictionary defines beauty as a reference to the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest). The world determines beauty by physical manifestations, but I feel like this is a false interpretation of the word beauty.

To me, beauty is what lies within a human being--and it is the foundation that originates in the core of one's spirit and personality. Every action, every word spoken, and every nonverbal form of communication can exemplify one's beauty. Beauty is meant to be shared--to be an interaction that takes place between two or more people. The following picture represents the best definition of beauty that I have seen in documentation form. I am unsure of who is responsible for capturing this photograph, but to me--it is exquisite. What more than this could the word beauty encompass. This appears to be a mother and daughter, and I invision a scenario about wisdom being passed down from one generation to another. Age creates beauty through experience. A physical feature of beauty is evidenced by one's amount of wrinkles. As the integumentary system withstands the demands of the body, wear and tear takes place. This creates a mark, otherwise known as a wrinkle, that establishes one's identity. I like to refer to these so called "blemishes" as beauty marks. 

The title of this blog is called beauty within the ashes. I believe that life is full of beauty, but we have to be comprehensive of its presence. God created the world, full of beauty and excellence. We can find his beauty within his followers. I say that beauty can be seen within the ashes because we return to the dust after our time on this earth has passed. We will be spread out on the ground and become one with nature as our spirits ascent to the heavens. There is beauty within life, and there is beauty within life eternal. In order to reach eternal life, our beauty must return to the ashes. The ground that one walks upon is full of history, full of beauty, and full of God's grace. Out of the dust we became, and to the dust we shall return. I challenge everyone to live a life that enables them to leave a little beauty for others to have beneath their feet as they face the challenges of this world.